This article is about living more mindfully and intentionally, being more clear-headed and open-minded, and releasing the need to be “right” or defensive. Part of this involves acknowledging and understanding that just because we, or others in our lives, express a certain belief, opinion, or criticism about something this does not mean it is necessarily or absolutely true. It might appear to be true based on someone’s individual experiences, knowledge, or perceptions at the time but one’s individual set of experiences, knowledge, and perceptions are only a small subset of the possible set of those which exist. Carrying this realization can go a long way in becoming a more understanding, compassionate, and forgiving person towards others (and towards yourself for that matter), and for living a happier, more peaceful life.
What I often tell people in situations where they feel they have been wrongly judged, criticized, or treated unkindly in some fashion is to first take some time to get clear on what their ideal end result would be in such a situation before responding with action. Otherwise, they might end up creating the opposite effect from what they might truly desire. In situations such as this, simply get yourself into a quiet place and mindfully contemplate: “What would my ideal end result be if I could have things any way I wanted them to be?” Take some time with formulating your vision. Then focus intently on this vision, define what actions you could take to progress towards the end result represented by your vision, and start working towards these.
Many times in life, our most desired end result involves some form of love, warmth, closeness, and community with others. When this is the case, use your ideal vision of what you truly desire to guide your actions rather than your ego’s vision of wanting to be right, or to be a victim, by its focus on the perceived hurt, harm, pain, and wrongdoing. If you operate in this fashion you will get much closer to what you truly desire in life or at least be able to feel good in knowing you did your part in these regards.
Of course, there is always the other side of the equation associated with how others will respond to your good intentions. However, this is something you have little control over. Simply do your part, feel good about the actions you’ve taken to date (and continue taking them), and don’t worry about what you cannot control. Others often get held hostage by their egos just as we sometimes have in the past. So, try to be patient, forgiving, and accepting towards them. Just do your part to get closer to what you want and patiently wait for others to respond accordingly.
Most likely the actions you will want to take, in situations where your most desired end result involves creating greater love, warmth, closeness, and community with others, would primarily involve some form of loving-kindness towards others by bringing a successful resolution to the situation at hand in a kind and loving manner and improving your relationship. Many times, however, people do the opposite – focusing instead on the perceived hurt, harm, pain, or wrongdoing. But if we operate in this fashion we will end up creating distance in our relationships instead of the closeness we might truly desire.
Suppose, for example, someone criticized you for something you said or did. If you focus solely on the perceived hurt, harm, pain, and wrongdoing the person caused, you will often reciprocate an amplified version of this hurt, harm, pain, and wrongdoing. And this reciprocation process can continue, back and forth, for days, weeks, and even months and years if you allow things to really get out of hand. Your ego will feel vindicated but you will end up at the opposite end of the spectrum from where you truly desired to be – creating distance instead of the closeness you would have otherwise wanted had you acted in accordance with your true desires.
Sometimes this process also involves challenging yourself to understand the other person’s perspective – realizing that based on the person’s individual experiences, knowledge, and perceptions, things might have appeared the way they did (whether you agree with them or not). This can allow you to gain a better perspective and understanding and perhaps even allow you to grow or improve in some regard.
Several years ago, I helped someone with a personal relationship situation using this very approach. He had been dating someone for a few months before they started having problems. So, we talked more about it and he concluded that his most desired end result would be working things out and creating a stronger, warmer relationship with the person.
Now, another aspect of all of this involves making a decision, while we are clear-headed and in a positive emotional state, and sticking with that decision for some period of time until we decide to re-evaluate and perhaps even re-decide. So, in this situation, where someone made a clear-headed decision to work things out and create a warmer relationship, the person would ensure his or her follow-on thoughts, communications, and actions were consistent with that decision – saying “yes” to thoughts, communications, and actions which moved him or her closer to what was decided and “no” to those which did not. So, if the person detected negative thoughts, communications, or actions towards his or her partner, then he or she would regroup, remember and honor the decision made, and then remind himself/herself that these are inconsistent with the decision made, release these, and focus on creating something more positive. If you do this it will simplify your life and ensure consistent and steady progress towards the decisions you make.
Well, as it turned out, the person I helped above was at a pivotal point in his relationship. He was ready to just end the relationship right there until he talked with me about it. He then used the above process and now, years later, he is still in the same relationship and they are happier than they ever have been. That’s the power of this process. It can really change your life.
Now, there exist some situations in life where, out of self-love and self-preservation, the most desired end result might involve creating greater distance from certain others – especially those who tend to be detrimental towards us. Again, for these kinds of situations, get yourself into a quiet place and mindfully contemplate: “What would my ideal end result be if I could have things any way I wanted them to be?” Take some time with formulating your vision. Then focus intently on this vision, define what actions you could take to progress towards the end result represented by your vision, and start working towards these. In situations involving a desire to create distance from situations which are detrimental towards you, it can be helpful to focus intently on, and perhaps even amplify or exaggerate, the hurt, harm, pain, and wrongdoing experienced to provide you with the strength and reminders needed to create, and remain committed to maintaining, this distance. This aspect also involves making a decision, while clear-headed and in a positive emotional state, and sticking with it for some period of time until a decision is made to re-evaluate and perhaps even re-decide.
Each of these situations essentially involves the same process: getting yourself into a quiet place, taking some time to mindfully contemplate and formulate what your ideal end result would be, making a clear-headed decision, and allowing this vision/decision to guide your actions in a mindful, intentional fashion instead of in a mindless, reactive one which is the default position many people take. You can create and experience a wonderful life filled with all of the love, warmth, happiness, and peace you can possibly imagine by living mindfully and intentionally instead of in a mindless and reactive fashion. So do this for yourself if you can.
This and other happiness and self-improvement related tips are provided throughout my self-help oriented books: https://brighterdayslifecoaching.com/published-books-and-life-coaching-services/
#selfimprovement #selfhelp #selfdevelopment #intention #fulfillment #success #inspiration #happiness #relationships
Joseph M. Brennan Jr.
CEO/Life Coach – Brighter Days Life Coaching
“Your Brighter Days Life Coach for Life”
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